It comes and goes, as we hit a year

I know I am blowing the dust off of this blog, but maybe because the need to journal has lessened.  My sadness is not as forceful, but there are moments when it just hits me over the head.  Today, its been one year since I was called to my Dad's home and told he had left us for his journey with God.  I still can relive those moments and they still can make me cry because I hurt for the words I never got to say, and for the last "I love you" he never got to hear. 
Today was easier than I thought but he is not forgotten, just a part of my everyday prayers and conversations so that its not as much hurt.  The loss of my father has given me perspective on family that I had lost over the years. . . .how many cousins I have who loved my Dad for who he was and who he became in his later years.  We all hope to grow and improve with time, but I have to say he did it.  His faith and empathy grew, and his ability to see more was there. 

Last night I did have a dream about him, kind of fitting that he was coming back from a trip and we were going to go to the airport to pick him up.  I asked him, over the phone, if he could stay at our house because his wasn't available.  (maybe because its not his anymore!!).  It was a bits and pieces kind of dream but one that involved caring for him, travels somewhere, and not having what he once did.  A little more study of it would probably mean something, but I think I will just take it as a brief visit into my mind for today.

We are heading to dinner at Max and Erma's a place we took him often and ate with my brothers as well.  I think we will try to ascend the hill to his grave first, but it may depend on mud, snow or ice on that dirt road.  Either way, he is in our hearts across the country.  Miss you Dad.

Written by my brother, Jeff

On Saturday, November 24, 2012, Notre Dame beat USC to be #1 in the country.  These words pasted in below are the words I woke up to that Saturday morning, on my brother Jeff's facebook page.

Today Notre Dame will play for the right to win the National Championship. It still really hasn't sunk in even as I hear and see all the hype on ESPN and ABC. Since my junior year at Notre Dame (1988 - last ND national championship), I've pretty much managed to see, listen or at least follow on-line every Notre Dame football game. Following most games -- maybe right at the end or even a few days later -- I'd also have a conversation with my Dad regarding the team's performance. Every discussion had some element of criticism (usually on my part) because it's been a neverending quest to be #1 again. Most of the time my Dad was changing the subject as I tended to be relentless on the coaches and play-calling -- he typically responded with "so how come you are on your couch and not out there on the sideline?!?". Yes, ND football was the centerpiece of our father-son chats over the last 20 or so years. Not really a surprise considering my Saturdays since I can remember are full of memories in front of our family room television or actually going to the game with him. This season, while I am sadly not able to have those conversations, I am convinced he is waking up the echoes of Rockne, Gipp, Leahy and others to squash my criticism in a very convincing manner....and with a big smile on his face. Let's beat those Trojans, Diamond.

I guess even an engineer can write eloquent words from the heart!! 

 

 

Dealing with the tears

Its been a hard day today for some reason.  Its not a day that would be something to remember. . .it isn't 6 months since his death nor is it a holiday.  But, for some reason the memories of finding out that he had fallen asleep and joined God sometime during the night keep coming back.  Maybe its the waiting for his headstone to be finished, or maybe its feeling so disconnected with my grief, or maybe its just because its ND football season. 

So just a memory.  When my brothers gave my dad the card with the gift of a trip to Slovakia, I am not sure he really ever expected it to come true.  He knew they were all busy and it would be hard to co-ordinate a trip.  He put off getting a passport, until finally I think he realized he was going to go.  He was very nervous about the trip and flying so far, but I remember talking about how he would only be alone from here to NY and then the boys (who weren't boys) would take over and he could just enjoy the trip.  He began to research a little of the language, and made a contact for finding out information about his family.

When we took him to the airport, he asked a few times if Doug knew where to meet him, and we did reassure him he did.  A cell phone wouldn't really be helpful, although we considered giving him Keith's as we had done before when he traveled to Cape May.

In the end, it was all worth his worry and concern because he came back just talking about all they had done and the family history.  He even said, he knew I would hear about it alot because he would forget what he did tell me and what he didn't but he was excited (as much as he got) to talk about his trip.  That Christmas I made him a photo album of all the pics.  He never put the description on the pages, but he did take it to every relatives home to show them that year so he could talk about the trip. 

He may not have had a clear direction of his family with his mom's death so early, but he so enjoyed finding out what he did when he was in Slovakia.  It was truly a trip of a lifetime for Diamond and my brothers.

Fall brings football

It's fall, well not really, but football season has begun, and most importantly, Notre Dame football.  It was a huge season for Diamond, and while I usually watch every game, it also became something we discussed and that he and Keith had in common. At least once a season, Keith, my dad and my uncle went to a game on a bus trip, and many years there was a second game for Keith and Dad (and sometimes me).  Discussion at dinner after a game was usually heated with diamond and Keith speaking their minds about the coach or a player.  We knew what was going on behind the scenes because Diamond read many websites to keep informed.  I know my brothers often called to talk ND or Steeler football, so this is a bittersweet season for them as well.
I also know that there were times Dad didn't answer the phone until the game was over especially if it wasn't going so well. A lot of that was due to my grandfather calling for many years, but sometimes he needed to watch entire game before giving an opinion.  I, of course, would leave a message kind of like this.Hey, Dad, it's me.  Pick up the phone or I will call again, and then I will have to get in my car to check on you.  Yeah, it usually worked...even if he wouldn't call anyone else until the end of the game ( sorry brothers)
The last game we went to together was a rainy Michigan game.  We did our usual visit tone grotto and bookstore Friday, but had to get to campus early for parking.  The three of us had breakfast, and then went for a walk.  As it was raining, we found our way to the ACC and wandered around looking in the monogram room, and seeing all the ND stufF you miss seeing as a student.  We didn't sit with dad as my cousin had come in for the game, but we did keep a eye on him.  It was a great weekend even with the typical SB weather, and one I thank God I got to have in the recent past.

It was hard watching the win against Navy without being able to call Dad.  It could be a long season, but I need to remember, as Doug stated...he has a win in heaven...and he has the best seat in the world and heavens, I am sure.

Keith's Memories

The other day, Keith and I were talking about my Dad, and he started laughing. . .at a few of the memories he had of my Dad.

**One winter day, I think 2-3 years ago, my Dad called and said he was stuck in his driveway and could Keith come over and help.  Diamond never would shovel his driveway (which was a good thing for his age) but he also didn't want Keith to come and do it either.  So, Keith drove over to help my Dad get the car out.  Dad had the car stuck in a snowbank, and Keith was out trying to push.  He had my Dad put the car in reverse, gas and it wasn't moving.  I am not sure how long it took, (and to save Keith embarrassment, I won't even guess) but finally he looked and said. . ."the tires aren't even moving".  It was then that they both realized the emergency break was on.

**About 5 years ago, Keith went over to replace the ring on the bottom of his toilet upstairs.  Dad was helping, and Keith told him to push or drive a screwdriver into a specific spot.  Unfortunately, it went into Keith's hand instead.  He still has the scar on his hand to this day.

**One year, at least 7 years ago, Jeff and Wendy flew into Cleveland airport for a visit.  Dad and Keith were driving them back, and it was raining during this trip.  He went fairly fast on the trip out, but Jeff kept him a little under control.  On the way back, Keith didn't say a word. . .but he did pray as he wasn't sure that Diamond could see anything.

Away from home makes it easier....and harder

Keith and I would usually see my dad out and about the town at least once a week. This week is our church festival, and we would have had an evening supporting the church. He usually would buy, and then take home something after playing a few games of bingo or chuck-a-luck.
We are in San Diego, so I am no seeing him everywhere which is easier, but as I watched my niece and nephews play for the 2 weeks, I cry because he isn't here to see them. I had great memories of my grandfather, and it's sad they won't know him.
One of my best pictures is the one with him holding a 1 year old Graham as Carson, Mila, and Margot climbed around and over him. He laughed which, knowing my dad was a big statement to his enjoying hat moment.

Birthday memory of Diamond

My dad was usually hard to buy gifts for in the later years. He usually appreciated treats, notre dame shirts, and other items he didn't always buy for himself. While he took Keith and I out to Morton's for dinner, we usually took him to Max and Erma's or Texas Roadhouse. Over the years, cell phones, towels, a tv, luggage, etc. There were a couple years we took him to a Pirate game...once with the all you can eat tickets and once in the club seats. That was a real treat for all of us...more comfortable seats, inside seats to get cooled off, great choices for food. We had a fun time treating him and enjoying the game outside. I think those were great birthday presents cause he had company on his birthday.

Why this memory? Because today would have been Diamond's 77th birthday. Happy day...RIP! Dad.